


Tales from the Road

by Dragonsafeguard



Series: Whoops [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asshole Thranduil, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Stubborn Dwarves, Stupidity, Thorin Has No Sense Of Direction, Thorin Is an Idiot, Thorin is a Softie, Thorin's A+ Parenting, Thranduil's A+ Parenting, Why is the Rum Gone?, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24140317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsafeguard/pseuds/Dragonsafeguard
Summary: Side chapters from Sarcasm at its Finest that just didn't quite fit.
Relationships: Kíli (Tolkien)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Whoops [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742035
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Riverside pranks. Don't take any of this seriously.

Baths were wonderful in the wild, and by that, I mean whenever I got the opportunity I SCRUBBED. This was one such time. There was a stream not too far from where we made camp, so I took full advantage of it. I’d brought my clothes with me to do some laundry and soaked while they dried. It was even a nice day out. The sun was warm on my skin and there was a gentle breeze. It felt nice to have all the gunk out of my hair from travel, plus getting rid of the dirt on my skin. Having decided that I had been in the water for long enough. I got out to get dressed. There was one issue. My clothes were gone.

“You have got to be shitting me.” I said. There were only two idiots dumb enough to risk my wrath like this. Two certain dwarf princes that were known for pranks. I made my way back to the camp. The asshats hadn’t even left my boots, so my feet were getting cut open left and right. The right side got a particularly nasty one from a rock. Not pleasant. I approached the edge of the clearing. I see the two culprits sitting with my bag and clothes between them. On the other side of the camp. Perfect.

“In what reality did you two think it was a good idea to steal my clothes?” I called out from the trees. I was behind a tree, so they couldn’t see me just yet.

“Missing something, Alex?” Fili called out with a laugh.

“Yes.” I replied dryly.

“Well that’s unfortunate.” Kili called out.

“You have until the count of 5 to return my clothes or you are going to find out exactly how much of a fuck I DO NOT give about modesty and propriety.” I called out. I was answered with laughter. The boys made no effort to move. So be it. I stood straight up and walked into the camp toward the boys. I slightly registered coughs and mutters from the rest of the company, but my focus was on two idiot boys with wide eyes. I walked straight up and picked up a boot. I slapped each brother with the boot. Each fell off the log they were sitting on. I grabbed my clothes and returned to the forest. I didn’t notice before, but I was leaving a wonderful blood trail due to the cut on my foot. I was enraged to the point that I didn’t feel it and didn’t care. I’d regret that later.

It was several hours before anyone came to find me. I didn’t return to the camp since I needed to cool down. My temper had flared. I had gotten dressed but left my boots off since my feet were still cut and I had no bandages. Bilbo was the one who came to find me.

“The idiots send you?” I asked. He nodded. Cowards. Of course, they would send the person that I was the least likely to yell at. I scowled.

“Go back and tell them this exactly as I say it. Don’t be cowardly little bitches. Come say something yourself.” He looked uncomfortable but agreed to relay the message. I knew he did it exactly as I said considering the enraged shouts I heard a few minutes later. Fili and Kili burst from the trees red in the face. They were pissed. They each sported a bruise on one cheek from my boot.

“Finally.” I said with a nonchalant wave of my hand. I wasn’t in any condition to stand having open wounds on my feet. So, I continued to recline on the shore of the river. I could feel the anger rolling off them in waves. I didn’t feel like starting the conversation, so I continued to sit. Fili was the first to speak.

“Look, we’re sorry about the prank. We didn’t know it was going to upset you that much.” Fili said after taking a deep breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Mhmmm. Yeah, really thought that one through did you. Especially when you took my boots. Anyone notice the blood trail in camp yet?” I replied. Both the brothers paled at that.

“Are you hurt?” Kili asked with a small voice.

“Yeah. And you’re going to bandage it.” I said, leaving no room for question. They both stood there for a second, unsure of what to do.

“One of you gonna help me back to camp or do I just get to bleed everywhere again?” That snapped the brothers into action. Fili grabbed my boots while Kili picked me up off the ground. The trek back to camp was quiet. So was Kili bandaging my feet. Once they were done, I limped to my bedroll and set it up near a tree. Usually I slept between the boys, but I was too pissed for it tonight.

The next morning had the company teasing me and the boys about the night prior. At one point the princes joined in on the teasing. I knew it was harmless, but that didn’t make it any less aggravating. Revenge it is. All of the dwarves went to the creek in the morning to wash, and my plan started. I pulled the spare outfits out of everyone’s packs and tied the pieces together. I left one outfit out for Bilbo since he did not join in on the teasing. I then strung those in the trees. I crept over to the edge of the forest where the creek was. The dwarves were all splashing about and being rowdy. Perfect. All their clothes happened to be in a heap. Even better. I managed to nab all the clothes without being noticed. I pulled them back to camp and strung them up just like I did the others. I also put on Fili’s jacket and hid all of the throwing weapons in a pack. I took that and Kili’s bow and quiver up into a tree with me out of sight of the camp. I could still see it all though. I decided to take a light nap while I waited until the dwarves realized what happened.

It took roughly an hour for the shouts to begin. It was an amusing sight to see 13 naked dwarves and one hobbit come charging into the camp, screaming along the way. The first thing they did was go for their packs for spare outfits. The only one who found one was Bilbo.

“Hey! Look up!” Kili shouted. Didn’t surprise me that the archer would find the clothes. Knowing how predictable the dwarves were, they went for their weapons to cut the ropes. The shouts grew louder once they realized that all the weapons that would reach were missing. Fili was losing his mind that all his were missing too.

“Where is Alex?” one dwarf called out.

“Where is the lass? Did she do this?” There were several more shouts along the same lines. Kili was the one to spot me.

“Up there!” he pointed. All 14 faces snapped toward my location. I began to laugh rather loud.

“Guilty as charged, boys!” I called down. Their expressions ranged from surprised to furious.

“Where are our weapons!” Fili called out. I crept my way forward on the branch, so I was visible as I lounged on it. Fili’s face was perfection when he noticed I was wearing his jacket. I grinned.

“Up here. Guess you’re just going to have to come and get them. I’d be careful though. The tree bark can be a bit rough.” I replied with a fake pout. Deciding to have some more fun, I began to belt out lyrics to the filthiest songs I knew. Starting with The Bad Touch. The company looked horrified aside from Bofur, who began to laugh loudly. I started laughing and singing louder.

I was working my way through Pony by Ginuine when Kili started up the tree. I moved branches so he wouldn’t catch me too easily. I didn’t know if he would go for me or the clothes. At least I left them their boots. While I was climbing around, I made sure to be incredibly careful to not damage Fili’s coat. Not trying to destroy their stuff. Just fuck with them a bit. I left the weapons on a branch and moved to another. Kili got the clothes down and everyone got dressed. The boys were not done with me yet. Boy did I know it. Once they were both dressed, they both began to climb the trees to catch me. So, I began to sing just loud enough so they would hear it the nastiest song in my arsenal. Closer by Nine Inch Nails. Their expressions made it all worth it. I shrugged off Fili’s jacket and left it where he could easily reach it and jumped to another branch.

Before I knew it, I was trapped between the boys. There was no branch I could jump to. I held my hands up in defeat.

“Alright. You got me.” I said with a grin. Fili pushed me off the branch I was on. Kili caught me before I hit the ground.

A few hours later Bilbo approached me.

“Why did you leave me clothes?” He asked. I smiled.

“Simple. You didn’t join in on the teasing this morning.” I replied. He looked taken aback.

“That’s why you did that?” Nori called out from across the fire. I grinned.

“Correct.” I walked over to Bofur and sat down next to the hatted dwarf.

“Want me to teach you the lyrics to those songs?” I whispered. He laughed hard and nodded. Kili looked at me from across the fire with a strange look on his face. I shrugged it off. Didn’t feel like dealing with it. When I set up my bedroll, the brothers were on either side of me again. Once we had all settled, Fili chucked.

“That was genius today, Alex. Those songs were interesting” I giggled in return.

“It was rather fun.”


	2. Dances and Shows

Scenery eventually becomes boring no matter how pretty it is. Today I found myself conversating with Bofur.

“What do you do back home lass?” he asked. I gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean? Like for fun?” He nodded.

“Well. I’m an entertainer. Mostly dance, but some acting as well.” I replied. His face lit up.

“What kind of dancing?” I giggled. Oh boy.

“I put on shows that are designed to make people afraid. There’s a big market for it back home. I make it look like I’m throwing up blood to start usually. I’ll be covered in it by the end of the show. It’s all fake though. Sometimes when I’m doing this, I look like a man, and sometimes a woman. Horror is a great show to put on. It’s especially fun since I can move my joints in the wrong directions.” I explained. Bofur’s face was priceless.

“You can WHAT?” He shouted. This caught the attention of the entire company. I laughed louder.

“I’ll show you at camp later.” He nodded. Fili and Kili rode up next to us.

“What are you showing him later Alex?” Fili asked. I smirked.

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” I replied with a devilish grin. This was going to be fun.

Later that evening after camp had been set up, Bofur reminded me of my promise. I smiled.

“Yes Alex! You said you would show us!” Fili called out.

“Do it!” Kili called out.

“Alright. Gimme a second. Gotta shed some layers here.” I pulled off the heavier articles of clothing until I was just in a tunic and leggings and my boots. I walked over to where there was a bit of clear space. Facing away from the company, I took a deep breath and stood very still. Time for a show. I put my head between my hands as if I had a headache. I heard mutters of concern coming from behind me. Good. I snapped upright with my shoulders back and arms straight. I snapped into a backbend without putting my hands on the ground. If I went any farther my face would be between my ankles. I kept a Cheshire cat grin on my face the entire time. I twisted my arms in their sockets until they were holding me up with my fingers facing toward the company. I crumpled to the ground and rolled until I was crouched and began to walk. Legs popping and swooping over, followed by my arms, wrists facing out. My first steps were slow, but after that I all but ran toward them. Poor Bilbo stood up and screamed. Kili fell over on top of Fili. The older dwarves didn’t move but were very tense with hands on weapons on pure instinct.

I stopped and stood up. Brushing my hair out of my face I laughed so hard I wheezed and fell back over.

“Bilbo fucking screamed! Oh man what the fuck is air! Kili you fucking JUMPED on Fili!” I wheezed out. It was too much. Tears falling from laughing so hard, I finally sat back up. Kili was still latched on to Fili. Bilbo had sat back down but was still on edge. Bofur started laughing heartily.

“Now I see what ya meant, lass! That was something else!” Bofur called out. I stood up, smiled, and gave a bow.

“What the hell was that Alex?!” Kili yelled out. I sat down next to him and Fili where I was earlier. I smiled over at him.

“Think of that as my craft. I have spent most of my adult life perfecting those moves. It meant several hundred hours of stretching over the last few years to make it work. Bodies aren’t supposed to move like that naturally. I trained mine to.” I explained.

“Why?” Bilbo asked.

“I’m glad you asked. Back home there is a market for people to be scared. It’s a thrill they look for. I have a suspicion that it has made us immune to suffering as a whole, but that is a story for a different day. I happen to be very good at it. If you want, I can show you a funny dance that I’ve done as part of a show before.” Enthusiastic nods followed.

“Alright. Stand up.” Kili and Bofur stood up and came over to me.

“Follow my lead. It’s just a jump to the left.” They followed.

“And a step to the right.” I proceeded to show them the Time Warp from Rocky Horror. Always a classic. We were all laughing by the end of it.

“Wanna learn another one?” They nodded. I grinned.

“Alrighty boys. Back home we call this a kickline. Kili on my left, Bofur on my right. Arms over each other’s shoulders like this.” I taught them the kickline from the floorshow in Rocky Horror. Always a fun time. After a time, we sat back by the fire.

“Do you do that every day?” Kili asked.

“Couple of times a month for each type. It’s a fun time.” I replied.

“Can you teach us the scary thing you did?” Kili asked again. I chuckled.

“I don’t think I can to be honest. I don’t know that you’re flexible enough.” I said.

“I can show you how flexible I am.” Kili replied, wiggling his eyebrows. Well shit. Walked into that one, didn’t I?

“Nasty.” I said as I swatted his arm. We all laughed. All in all, not a bad way to pass the night.


End file.
